How Not To Do A DVD Audio Commentary For Your Feature Film Debut
Stay up very, very late at a wedding (best man). Get up very, very early. Fly from South Texas to LA.
Get picked up by a PA who is wondering outloud about how he's going to get repaid for the money he spent on lunch for the producers. Go see a bad student film at USC. Grab a quick bite.
Do an on camera interview for over an hour. Forget to pretend the interviewer is one of your producers whose voice will be dubbed in later. Make eye contact with crew when you're supposed to pretend they're not there.
Deal with the landlord of the rental space who wants to load in his music equipment so he can start recording an album the next morning.
Watch the movie in a sun-filled room with the TV on the floor, in a chair a different height from your co-commentator Hex (Director of Photography). And no beer. Try to be funny out of the gate.
Hear that the producers only made it halfway through their commentary. Vow to make it in one push. Drink Coke. Out of the can. Burp into microphone several times. Talk through movie -- something your instincts will scream is wrong. Interupt each other all the time.
Omit every funny story related to the shoot that you've used to entertain friends and family. Realize that the five minute story related to a 20 second scene will carry you past your favorite scene in the movie. Realize how many things you would have shot differently.
End the commentary as soon as the credits start to roll. Plug website. Knock over Coke can. Forget free copies of the movie. Make mental note to rerecord.
Accept that you probably never will.
Realize that no one will listen to the commentary for six months to a year.
Realize that no one will listen to the commentary.